Instead of a Resolution, Name Your Pattern
January has a way of inviting a familiar kind of pressure. It’s the season of goals, plans, and new routines—as if we can finally become the version of ourselves we’ve been meaning to be.
But for many people, the things that feel “hard” aren’t about discipline. They’re about relationship dynamics, nervous system survival strategies, and long-standing patterns that formed for a reason.
So instead of setting a resolution this year, I want to offer a different starting point:
What if you simply named your pattern?
Not to judge it. Not to force it to disappear.
Just to understand it—especially in the relationships that matter most.
Because most of us don’t need a new personality. We need more clarity about what we do when we feel stressed, scared, lonely, or uncertain… and how that impacts connection.
Why patterns repeat (and why it’s not your fault)
Patterns are not random. They are usually protective strategies we learned in our earliest relationships and environments.
A pattern might have helped you:
avoid conflict
keep closeness
stay safe
be good / reliable / needed
reduce chaos
survive unpredictability
The problem isn’t that you have a pattern. The problem is when the pattern becomes automatic—and starts creating outcomes you don’t want.
When you name your pattern, you stop treating it as a character flaw and start seeing it as information.
Common relationship patterns (see what fits)
As you read these, try to notice what you do when you’re activated—not what you do on a good day.
The Over-Functioner
You manage, fix, anticipate, and carry.
You keep things together, but you also end up resentful and alone.
The Peacemaker / Minimizer
You smooth things over, downplay your needs, and keep the emotional temperature low.
You avoid conflict, but intimacy becomes limited.
The Pursuer
When you feel uncertain, you reach for closeness and reassurance—sometimes urgently.
You seek connection, but the urgency can push the other person away.
The Withdrawer
When things get tense, you shut down, go quiet, or disappear emotionally.
You protect yourself, but the other person experiences it as distance.
The Escalator
You become intense, sharp, or loud when you feel unheard.
You’re trying to be taken seriously, but the intensity triggers defensiveness.
The “I’m Fine” Person
You keep going, don’t burden anyone, and rarely ask for support.
You appear capable, but loneliness grows quietly.
You may recognize more than one. That’s normal. Different relationships pull out different strategies.
The pattern beneath the “problem”
A powerful question to ask is:
“What is my pattern trying to prevent?”
For example:
Over-functioning prevents disappointment or chaos.
Withdrawing prevents overwhelm or rejection.
Escalating prevents invisibility.
People-pleasing prevents conflict or abandonment.
Your pattern might not not be “healthy,” but it usually makes sense.
And when a pattern makes sense, it becomes easier to change—because you don’t have to fight yourself. You can collaborate with the part of you that learned it.
The cost of the pattern
Patterns protect us, but they also cost us.
A few common costs:
resentment (carrying too much, being misunderstood)
emotional distance (less vulnerability, more assumption)
repeated conflict (same argument, different day)
self-abandonment (saying yes when you mean no)
loneliness inside relationship (being “fine,” being “strong”)
Naming the cost matters because it helps you get clear on what you want instead—not as a goal to perform, but as a value to return to.
A values-based alternative
Instead of setting a resolution like:
“Communicate better”
“Stop being anxious”
“Be more confident”
Try choosing a relational value that addresses the pattern’s cost:
Clarity over managing
Honesty over minimizing
Steadiness over urgency
Repair over withdrawal
Mutuality over over-functioning
Then ask:
“What would it look like to practice this value—once—this week?”
Not perfectly. Just once.
A small practice: Pattern + Value + One Sentence
Try this simple structure:
Name the pattern:
“When I feel ___, I tend to ___.”Name the value:
“This year I want to practice ___.”Offer one sentence of change:
“So this week, I’m going to try saying…”
Examples:
“When I feel overwhelmed, I tend to take over. This year I want to practice mutuality. So this week, I’m going to say: ‘I can’t do this alone—can we share it?’”
“When I feel unsure, I tend to pursue. This year I want to practice steadiness. So this week, I’m going to say: ‘I’m feeling anxious and I’m working on it—can you reassure me once, and I’ll take it from there?’”
“When I feel criticized, I withdraw. This year I want to practice repair. So this week, I’m going to say: ‘I need a pause, and I want to come back to this.’”
Closing
Resolutions assume the issue is motivation. Patterns tell the truth: the issue is often protection.
If you want a different year, you don’t have to reinvent yourself.
Start by naming your pattern.
Then choose a value that supports connection.
Then practice one small moment of difference.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns and want support shifting them—especially in relationships where the stakes feel high—therapy can help you understand the cycle, slow it down, and build new ways of staying connected without self-abandoning.