Stop Setting Goals for Your Nervous System
Your nervous system doesn’t know it’s January.
It doesn’t care about calendars, fresh starts, or your intention to “get it together.” It cares about safety, predictability, and whether your body believes you can handle what’s coming.
And for many people, January comes with a strange mix of pressure and exhaustion:
the holidays took a lot
routines changed
family dynamics were activated
the world kept being the world
So if you’re feeling tense, irritable, flat, anxious, or unmotivated—it may not mean you’re failing. It may mean your nervous system is still trying to recover.
Instead of setting goals for your personality, try supporting your nervous system.
Because your nervous system sets the tone of your relationships.
Why January pressure backfires
Traditional resolutions are often rooted in urgency:
“I have to change now.”
“I can’t keep doing this.”
“This year I’m finally going to…”
Urgency can create movement. But it can also create dysregulation—and dysregulation often leads to:
conflict
shutdown
reactivity
avoidance
self-criticism
isolation
Many people don’t quit resolutions because they’re lazy. They quit because their nervous system can’t sustain that level of pressure.
Your nervous system is part of your relationship system
In relational and systemic therapy, we understand that you don’t experience your nervous system alone.
Your regulation affects:
how you interpret tone
how you handle feedback
how you respond to conflict
whether you can stay present during hard conversations
whether you reach for connection or protection
When you’re regulated, you can be curious.
When you’re dysregulated, you become defensive, withdrawn, or desperate—and that can change the entire relationship atmosphere.
So yes, nervous system work is “self-care,” but it’s also relational care.
Signs you’re outside your window of tolerance
You don’t need to diagnose yourself. Just notice:
Hyperarousal (too much activation)
racing thoughts
irritability
anxious checking
insomnia
feeling “wired”
urge to control outcomes
conflict that escalates quickly
Hypoarousal (too little activation)
numbness
fatigue
shutdown
“I don’t care” feelings
difficulty initiating tasks
dissociation / zoning out
avoiding people
Both are forms of protection. Both deserve compassion.
Regulation is not avoidance
A common fear is:
“If I regulate, I’m just avoiding.”
But regulation is not avoidance—it’s what allows you to stay in the room with your life.
Regulation helps you:
speak with clarity instead of sharpness
set boundaries without harshness
tolerate discomfort without collapsing or attacking
stay connected during difference
The point is not to feel calm all the time. The point is to expand your capacity for being human in relationship.
A connection-first reframe for self-care
Self-care is often marketed as withdrawal: baths, alone time, “protect your peace.”
Those can be supportive. But self-care also includes anything that increases your ability to show up with steadiness and honesty.
Examples of relational self-care:
sleeping so your body can tolerate conflict
eating so you don’t snap at the people you love
going to therapy so you stop carrying everything alone
taking a 10-minute pause so you can return to the conversation kindly
Self-care is not self-absorption.
Self-care is capacity-building.
A 3-minute practice: The “soft re-entry”
Try this once a day this week:
Put a hand on your chest or belly.
Exhale slowly for a count of 6.
Name what’s true, without drama:
“I’m activated.”
“I’m tired.”
“I’m carrying a lot.”
“I’m anxious about this year.”
Offer one supportive sentence:
“I don’t have to fix everything today.”
“I can take this one step at a time.”
“I can choose steadiness.”
Ask:
What would help me be 5% more regulated right now?
Not 50%. Not perfect.
Just 5%.
Closing
If you want a different year, consider this:
Your nervous system doesn’t need a resolution.
It needs steadiness, support, and gentleness.
When your system is supported, your relationships benefit too—because you become more able to respond instead of react.
This year, you don’t have to push yourself into change.
You can pace yourself into it.
If you want support building that capacity—especially in relationship—therapy can help.