Your Resolution Might Be a Protest
Sometimes the energy behind a resolution feels intense:
“This year I’m finally going to stop people-pleasing.”
“This year I’m finally going to be confident.”
“This year I’m finally going to get it together.”
Determination can be powerful. But sometimes that intensity is carrying something else:
grief. anger. shame. longing.
Sometimes a resolution is not just a goal.
It’s a protest against what you didn’t get.
When change is driven by shame
Shame-based change sounds like:
“I have to be better to be loved.”
“I can’t be like this anymore.”
“Something is wrong with me.”
It’s change fueled by self-rejection.
It may create movement—but it rarely creates peace.
Resolutions as protest: what that means
A protest resolution often contains a story like:
“I’m done being overlooked.”
“I’m done being the one who carries everything.”
“I’m done settling.”
That protest may be valid.
But if it’s fueled by shame, it can lead to harshness—toward yourself or others.
The alternative isn’t to stop wanting change.
It’s to name what the protest is protecting.
The grief underneath urgency
Often urgency is grief you haven’t had room to feel:
grief for years spent coping
grief for love that wasn’t safe
grief for needs that weren’t met
grief for a self that had to shrink to belong
When grief is unspoken, goals become heavy with desperation.
When grief is honored, goals become lighter—and more aligned.
What you actually need (under the goal)
Try asking:
“What am I hoping this goal will finally give me?”
“What am I trying to stop feeling?”
“What am I longing for?”
Many goals are actually bids for:
belonging
rest
visibility
safety
support
dignity
closeness
Those needs deserve direct care—not just discipline.
A values-based alternative
Instead of a resolution like:
“I’m going to finally get my life together,”
Try:
“This year, I want to practice self-respect and mutuality.”
Then ask:
What would self-respect look like in one conversation this week?
This turns your protest into a practice.
A compassionate reframe for this week
If your goal feels urgent, try saying:
“I want change, and I’m allowed to want it gently.”
“My longing is valid.”
“My grief deserves care.”
“I don’t have to punish myself into becoming.”
Closing
Not all motivation is the same.
Some motivation is love.
Some is shame.
Some is grief asking for attention.
This year, you can let your goals be informed by compassion and values—not self-rejection.
Therapy can help you untangle the story beneath your urgency, honor what you’ve been carrying, and move toward change that supports connection rather than performance.